The ‘Sister’-hood of Marriage

So my sister – Diya, bro-in-law – David and their two seriously-the-most-absolutely-cutest-in-the-whole-wide-world children were visiting us last week from Seattle. (Ya, they moved there a couple weeks ago :). Late Friday night to Sunday evening they stayed with us. And it was one amazing time!!

We had planned a birthday party for Jacob and Rachel. It was Jacob’s first birthday and Rachel’s 3rd. So we had 2 birthday cakes, which like most kids cakes were blindingly colorful with some plastic creatures crawling about. But darn good frosting I should say. We decorated the place with some balloons and gold ribbons. But these were special balloons. Because these balloons were inflated while I was holding Jacob in one hand and fending off Rachel from the decorations periodically with the other!! I should say after I successfully inflated, tied and strung ribbons on all the balloons with just one hand, I was kind of proud of myself. I felt that I was ready for the most daunting of all occupations – Motherhood!!

Anyway, that was one fun birthday party. Rachel sang some cute songs and Jacob was very generous with his kisses. But like all good things, their visit had to come to an end and come Sunday evening, they bundled up into the car and took off to Seattle. Paul and I stood there hugging and waving and feeling a lil sad. As we turned around go back into our quiet apartment, Paul said something that inspired me to write this post, after a long period of hibernation.

Paul: You know, I noticed a lot of similarities between you and Diya and me and David.
Me: Oh really? And, what’s that?
Paul: You know David always asks Diya what to do with the kids, just like I ask you as to how to do everything (a hint of sarcasm there...)
Me: Ya I guess that is true....
Paul: Diya ‘tells’ not requests David to do things. Same with you!! You are always ordering me around!!
Me: Well....
Paul: And the way Diya was posing and asking David if he liked the Kurta she was wearing, that’s exactly how you look at me when you want my opinion about a dress.
Me: (Finally something nice...) Ya, I guess we have some similarities...
Paul: I guess it comes from being sisters.
Me: Ummmm.... No. It comes from being wives!! All wives boss over their husbands, honey. It is a fact of life and you need to accept it. It is not just yours and David’s fate for marrying the Loney Sisters. It is the fate of all husbands all across the world. Men might pretend they are in control, but the truth is, Wife knows best. OK?

To all the men out there, if you are still resisting your wife’s control over you, give up. It is fruitless!! Ask David, my bro-in-law. He tried a lil and then gave up. Paul learnt from his example and just never tried. That’s exactly why we have such happy marriages!! So the key to a happy marriage, is giving in :)

( After reading this post, those of you who feel like pounding me to death, well, Thank God you don’t know where I live. )

( Paul!!! Step away from the computer!! Are you trying to publish my address!! Darn you!!)

Soap-y Dreamz - Part 2

Continued from Soap-y Dreamz...

Scene 3 of Soap-y Dreamz:

After a lot of discussions (read arguments), the Ladies club decided to start shooting the soap. They decided to start with the court room scene. The stage was set in the Grasim Club House’s Table Tennis Room using the LKG/UKG tables and stools. A lot of the colony residents were posing as the courtroom audience. Some were asked to pose as journalists and photographers, so a few of them arrived with their digital cameras and started taking pictures of anything that moved.

I was donning my costume and getting ready to play the part of the Bailiff. It never occurred to me that they had chosen me to play a part predominantly played by men! Ignorant to the misery about to befall me, I was busy buttoning up the suit of my costume, when Meharwal Aunty walked in holding a pagdi (turban) in one hand and a black thing in the other.

Meharwal Aunty: Rose, le thera costume. Jaldi tayaar ho.
Me: Aunty, ye kya hain? (pointing to the suspicious looking black thing)
Meharwal Aunty: Yeh nakli muchchi (fake moustache) aur yeh pagdi (turban).
Me: Muchchi!??!?!! No, No, No, NO!!
Meharwal Aunty: Kya No? Hindi serials main Bailiff hamesha mard hote hain.
Me: (What the.... They thought I would make a better male Bailiff than Chaal?!? I don’t know who should be more insulted!) Lekin Aunty bina muchchi ke mard hote hain na? Main bina muchchi ke Bailiff banoongi.
Meharwal Aunty: Are aise kaise chalega? (Walking away...) Yeh make up artist kidhar hai. Is ladki ko koi muchchi pahnao.
Me: (My face turns a deep crimson red as the whole green room turns to look at me. I franctically start looking for a place to hide when I feel someone tap my shoulder)
Parveen: (Used to be our maid in the colony) Roj, E Roj. Dekh na main poora dressh up karke aayi.
Me: Parveen, tu idhar kya kar rahi hain?
Parveen: amma bola ki main ‘extra’ ka role karsakti hoon. Isliye main apna besht saree aur necklace pehanke aayi.
Me: Oh, thik hain. Parveen yeh apne paas hi rakhna (handing her the fake mustache) aur kisi ko math dena. (saying this I hastily wear my turban and walk onto the set)

I’m absent mindedly walking around the set looking at what’s going on. There’s the court room scene of course. Then there’s the director, Maru Aunty wearing a pink saree and a director’s hat. She’s sitting behind the camera, trying to focus by vigorously zooming the lens in and out. There are totally three flat screen TVs on the set, meant for the director to use to her discretion. I was staring at one of the TV screens that was focused on someone’s shoe. The image of the foot was randomly enlarging and shrinking and was making me dizzy. As I looked away I realized it was a result of the director trying to focus the lens! (God save us all) Suddenly I hear someone call out my name. I turn to see and it is Gulli’s Mom, Agarwal Aunty.

Agarwal Aunty: A Rose, Idhar aa.
Me: Ha, Aunty?
Agarwal Aunty: Woh TV 32 bit hain ki 64 bit hain?
Me: (Wha.....?!?!? 64/32 bit for TVs?)
Agarwal Aunty: Woh kya hain na Poki naya flat screen TV laya. Woh bhi 64 bit . Mujhe lagta hain yeh sirf 32 bit hain. Dekh woh shoes kaise bada-chota-bada-chota hota rahta hain. Bilkul thik nahin hain....
Chaal - The Spot Boy: Bailiff, please assume your position. The scene is about to start.
Me: (Glad to be rescued) Okkie Spot Boy.
Chaal – The spot Boy: Don’t call me that!! At least I’m retaining my gender!!
Me: What!?!! And who isn’t?
Chaal – The spot Boy: I know about the mustache. Where is it by the way?
Me: What mustache? And how do you know?!?
Chaal – The spot Boy: (Laughing) A room full of Ladies club members and you expected it to be a secret is it?
Me: Humph.... (walking away...)

Scene 4 of Soap-y Dreamz:

Chaal – The spot Boy: Take 64 of “Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi”. Thakkk (a slamming noise)
Maru Aunty – Director: Aurrrr.... Action!!
Me – Bailiff: (I stand up and step forward) Judge-sahiba pr... pragd.. pragd....
Maru Aunty – Director: Cut!!! Chalo retake!
Chaal – The spot Boy: Take 65 of “Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi”. Thakkk (a slamming noise)
Maru Aunty – Director: Aurrrr.... Action!!
Me – Bailiff: (I stand up and step forward) Judge-sahiba pr...prad...
Maru Aunty – Director: Cut!! Cut!! RETAKE!!
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Chaal – The spot Boy: (really tired) Take 362 of “Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi”. Thakkk (a slamming noise)
Maru Aunty – Director: (really annoyed) ACTION!!!
Me – Bailiff: (I stand up and step forward) Judge-sahiba pradhar rahi hain....
Audience: Big sigh.....

(Rungta Aunty – Judge-Sahiba walks in wearing her black robes. Gulli has obviously done a very good job of making her look hilarious)
Rungta Aunty – Judge-Sahiba: Please be seated.

There’s a sinister silence in the audience. The kind of silence that precedes a bomb blast. I can’t take the sight of Rungta Aunty in black robes and burst out laughing. The audience follows.

Rungta Aunty – Judge-Sahiba: Order! Order!!
Maru Aunty – Director: Cut!! Cut!!
Rungta Aunty – Judge-Sahiba: Order!! Order!!
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Chaal – The spot Boy: (shaking with silent laughter) Take 945 of “Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi”. Thakkk (a slamming noise)
Maru Aunty – Director: (really annoyed) ACTION!!!
Me – Bailiff: (I stand up and step forward a little unsteady with all the laughing) Judge-sahiba pradhar rahi hain....
Rungta Aunty - Judge-Sahiba: (Really angry) Please be seated.
Me - Bailiff: Ha-Ha Ha-Ha... (Fall off Laughing)
Maru Aunty - Director: CUT!!!!!

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Oh well, this went on for a while.....

Scene 5 of Soap-y Dreamz:

The Ladies club succeeded in shooting a few scenes for the soap. But because of the inherent nature of women in general, the production was bound to fail. And fail it did. Anyway my friends and I were still hopeful of being paid for our services, as had been promised before we started shooting. And now that the debacle was over we were walking down from the Club House, dreaming of ways to spend the money.

Gulli: Hum Goa chalte hain na, I always wanted to go there.
Me: If we make far fetched plans, it’s bound to fail. Maybe we should think of a place that is closer.
Vinu: Ya. Like a place we can go and come in one day. Otherwise your father won’t agree.
Chaal: Or we’ll need a guardian.
Me: Ya, those are some of the problems.
Gulli: E Rose, tu apne pappa ko convince kara na. Nahi tho hum yeh picnic spot chod ke aur kahi nahi ja sakte.
Me: Ok. You guys make plans, I’ll try to convince them.
Chaal: How much money do you think we’ll get?
Me: No Idea.... (Looking away in the distance) What’s my mom doing in the middle of the ground? I gotta check this out.

We all walk to the center of the ground where Mummy is busy setting some wickets into the ground.

Me: Mummy what are you doing?
Mummy: Isn’t it obvious?
Gulli: Ha Aunty. Lekin wickets kyun?
Mummy: I had a feeling the Hindi Soap was bound to fail. So the 'ladies cricket match' was plan B
All of us: We had that feeling too. :)
Chaal: Aunty do you think we’ll get paid?
Mummy: Of course!! The Ladies club has decided to award each person involved with a silver coin!
Vinu: Silver coin? You mean the same coin you used to give out for the lottery?
Mummy: Yes, the same silver coins. Since people are objecting to the lottery, we decided to get rid of the remaining silver coins this way.
Gulli: There goes the goa plan....
Mummy: What Goa plan? Rose I have told you it is not safe to travel alone so far.... There has to be a guardian who can ensure your safety.... And in a place like Goa it’s so easy to get lost... (You don’t need to hear the rest of that!)

Scene 5 if Soap-y Dreamz:

All of us decided to go to Goa anyway. How did I manage to convince my parents you ask? Well it’s a dream now, isn’t it!!?!

So the scene is the Goa beach at dusk. We are all sitting in a semicircle watching the sunset. The girls are going ‘ooooh’ and ‘aaaah’ looking at the sunset and the guys are going ‘not bad, but when will it end?’

Me: So Chaal how is your girl doing?
Chaal: She’s doing good as always. And she’s not ‘my girl’!!
Karthik: You have a girl Chaal? Since when?!?
Vinu: you don’t read his blog is it? There’s not a single post that doesn’t mention ‘Her’.
Karthik: I’m really busy with my MDI stuff. So who is she?
Gulli: I don’t know. This Vinu and Rose won’t tell me.
Karthik: You guys know, is it? Who is it? Common spill the beans.
Chaal: Not now!! Not here anyway.
Karthik: Why? What’s wrong with here?
Me: The thing is Karthik, he’s too chicken to propose.
Karthik: But what’s the hurry?
Vinu: Turns out someone else already did!!
Gulli: Don’t worry Chaal we’ll fix you up with someone else.
Me: But that’s not the same as ‘Her’ is it?
Chaal: I think we need to stop discussing this!!! (Standing up and looking around) Why on earth doesn’t this dream end....
Karthik: Don’t worry Chaal, if the sun is setting here, it’s rising over there.....

And how true!!! I woke up laughing and also cursing Chaal for not proposing. Maybe it’s time to call again!!

Soap-y Dreamz

Everyone has these really bizarre dreams once in a while and I had mine yesterday. Well, it's not as bizarre as it is silly. But I found it funny, so funny that when I was in the state of waking up, I could hear myself laughing!! Anyway I have decided to commit literary suicide by trying to narrate it. You must keep in mind that I can't describe every lil nuance of the characters. And however funny I thought the dream was, you might not find it half as funny. Also, if you weren't brought up in the colony, you'll have absolutely no idea who the characters are (Sorry Paul). Anyway, here goes.....

Every year the Grasim Ladies Club hosts the Anand Bazaar which is basically a 'Fair', the proceeds from which partly go towards the funding of the club and partly towards the running of a school for poor children. The Anand Bazaar mostly consisted of loads of food stalls - Chole & Bathura, Kachori, Samosa, Sugar Cane Juice, Rasgulla, Jalebi, Gulab Jamun, Ice cream , Masala Dosa, Idlis, Hollige, Cake, Puffs, Omeletes, Cutlets, etc.... You get the idea. It also had some assorted games, like scattering a heap of cups, darts, a small Ferris wheel, etc. But the biggest profits any year came from one stall alone. The profits from this stall were more than 10 times the profits from all the other stalls put together. This was the lottery stall. Tickets were planned and sold more than two months in advance. Most people didn't like the lottery system because it meant for two months they'll be either hounded or goaded into buying tickets. It was especially the uncles that had to suffer the most. Because most men were asked to buy entire books!! Why should they give in you ask? Well, well, well, because they were asked to buy them by their bosses' wives!! But every body always gave in because it was for a good cause.

But this year the men decided to stand up for themselves. They had enough of this day light robbery of their cigarette and alcohol allowances. So a plan was made and Kamalkanth Mandelia uncle was asked to represent their cause, because he usually gave in to most of the women and got stuck with the maximum number of lottery books.

Scene 1 of Soap-y Dreamz:

One very long conference table in the conference room in the factory. All the uncles in their light blue and grey uniforms surround the table. At one end sits Kamalkanth Mandelia uncle and at the other end sits Maru aunty representing the Ladies Club. Beside her sits her husband, Maru uncle-ji, who is the Chief Executive of the division. He's there mostly to have fun, but is afraid to accept it, as he might then have to smile.

Kamalkanth Mandelia Uncle: Maru ji, yeh Lottery system sahi nahin hai. Sari ladies mujhi pe apni books luta deti hain. Yeh Ladies samajhti hain ki main bachelor hoon tho mujhe koi kharcha nahin hai. Yehbhi nahin sochti ki mujhe Alimony aur child support bhi pay karna hai.
Maru Uncle-ji: Sahi hain, sahin hain.... (But goes quiet when he sees his wife glaring at him)
Janaki Raman Uncle: (In a very heavy Tamil , sorry, Saurashtrian accent) Yes, Maru-ji, it is true for us married men also. Our wives get mad if we buy whole books. Also, these ladies or kids set out to sell the lottery tickets in the afternoon when our wives are sleeping. If my wife gets disturbed, then when I go home, there will be extra nagging. It sometimes gets violent.
All uncles in unsion: Yes, Maru-ji, Hamare ghar me bhi yahin haal hain... Yeh Lottery system rokiye.
Maru Aunty: Shaanth hojayi!! Main Grasim Ladies Club ki secretary se baath karke aapko hamaara decsion sunaungi.

Maru Aunty gets up and walks out of the room as the sea of blue and grey uniforms part to let her pass. As the doors close, the men start murmuring.

Scene 2 of Soap-y Dreamz:

Maru Aunty is sitting in the most important chair in the factory – in her husband’s chair in his office. And where is the Chief Ececutive of the Grasilinie and HPF Division you ask? Well he has dislodged the most expendable DGM in the factory. Maru aunty is busy doing what most Indian women do best, adjusting their saris and staring at their reflection. The phone rings, it is Maru Uncle-ji’s secretary, now serving Maru Aunty.

Secretary: Secretary-ji aayi hain. Andar bhejoon?
Maru Aunty: Ji, Zaroor.

The double doors open and in walks Ladies club’s most successful Secretary to date, Mrs. Omana Loney, my mother. ( Whom I shall call mummy in this post :D ) She’s wearing her all white salwar especially stitched and embroidered for her to wear to her badminton finals. She’s also wearing her white sports shoes and is holding in one hand, her Badminton Racquet, in a very Jitendra meets Nirma Super Ad ish-style!!

Mummy: Good Morning Maru-ji!
Maru Aunty: Good Morning Omana. Ek aur problem aa gayi hain.
Mummy: Achha? Tho jaldi solve karte hain Maru-ji, mujhe Badminton Finals khelne jaana hain. Aap aa rahin hain kya dekhne?
Maru Aunty: Usme kya hain, Tum hi tho jeetogi, har saal ki tarah.
Mummy: (Adjusting her dupatta) Haan, woh tho hain...
Maru Aunty: Ab iska kyaan kare? Lottery rok denge tho Anand Bazaar loss me chalega na?
Mummy: Ha who tho hain. Mere paas do ideas hain Maru-ji. Ek, ki hum 'ladies cricket' arrange karte hain. Players aur viwers dono se hi paisa collect karenge.
Maru Aunty: Ladies cricket... Hmmm... Omana yeh idea bahut hi simple aur smart hai. Mujhe nahi lagta ki hamare ladies club committee ko pasand aayega. Doosra idea kya hain?
Mummy: Doosra idea yeh hain ki hum ek 'Hindi Soap' banaye.
Maru Aunty: Ye Hindi Soap kya hain?
Mummy: Yehi, hamara Hindi serial. Isko log aajkal Hindi 'soap' bolte hain. Too much western influence! All because of MTV, Channel [V], Star World. Main hamesha bolti hoon Rose ko, kum Channel [V], zyada Star news. Lekin aaj kal ke bache.... (You don't need to hear the rest of that...)
Maru Aunty: Tho hum ek Hindi serial banaye? Aur kaunse channel pe broadcast hoga?
Mummy: Mene suna he ki Ekta Kapoor ko Ache serials ki talash hain. Woh khud hi apne saas-bahu serials se bore ho chuki hain. Mujhe lagta hai hum agar ek mystrey serial banayenge tho bahut chalega.
Maru Aunty: Hindi Soap banane ke liye paisa hamare paas hain nahi. Lekin agar hum ek lottery rakhe tho uske liye paisa mil jayega. Omana, tu ja apna match jeet ke aa. Kal ek Ladies club meeting rakhenge aur story discuss karenge.
Mummy: Thik he. Actors aur actresses hum hamare colony se hi select karenge. Aaj kal ke bachche waise bhi kitna acting karte hain.... Dood peena ho, tho bhi acting.... Padna ho, tho bhi acting.... (You don't need to hear the rest of that...)
Maru Aunty: Aapne thik kahan. Hamare club ki ladies bhi kuch kam nahin. Director main banoongi. Mere bachpan ka khwaab hain. Maru-ji hamesha hi kehte he, ki mujh me bahut talent hain!
Mummy: Achcha Maru-ji, main chali.

Scene 3 of Soap-y Dreamz:

The word has spread. The whole colony is buzzing with excitement. Everyone is grouped around cement slabs discussing what the story will be. Some have more information than the others. It is going to be a mystery and the title is - (brace yourself) - Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi? Why such an odd title you ask? Well, if Ekta Kapoor had to accept the serial then the the title had to start with a 'K'. The lead role of the lady Judge was assigned to Rungta Aunty. Yes, the very same Rungta Aunty with three sons, who used to be my neighbor. :D What's so funny about that you ask? Well, she wasn't very popular for her honesty or unbiased and impartial views...

Anyway, me and my friends had gathered around one such cement slab and were discussing our roles.

Chaal: Oh, they have made me the spot boy. One of those aunties said I don't have the 'viewer appeal' for Hindi Serials. What does that mean?
Vinu: It means that you can't wear a sherwani, grow a beard, tie a pony, wear a tika and become a Hindi Serial villan. Me on the otherhand, I'm playing the villan's brother. Every time the villan is going to be arrested, I'm supposed to say, "Nahi Vikram, main tujhe Jail jaane nahin doonga!! Iska badla main zaroor loonga'
Deepika: Who is the villan?
Me: Ragu!! (Laughing....) Since he has the beard and the long hair, I guess he is halfway there. ;)
Gulli: E Rose, teri Mummy secretary hai na? Tho influence use kar ke Chaal ko koi role dila. Bachara kitna sad hai.
Me: Mere Mummy ka influence itna kaam ka nahin. Mummy ne influence use kiya aur dekho mujhe 'bailiff' ka role mila!! Blah!
Deepika: 'Bay Leaf' !?!? What we use in cooking? Is it because you drink so much sambar in the canteen?
Gulli: I know... (Laughing very hard...) Ragu calls her.... (laughing even harder...) 'Sambar Rani'. Chaal: I don't think that is what it means....
Vinu: Rose, no words longer than 4 letters, please!!
Me: (a lil irritated) Not 'Bay Leaf'!! Bailiff!! The person who announces the judge. I have only one dialogue in the whole serial, that I'm supposed to repeat often, "Judge-sahiba pr... pragd.. pragdanri hai!!"
Gulli: (falls off the cement slab laughing... The rest of them were uneffected, which only shows that their hindi is as bad as mine) Pragdanri hai NAHI!!! Judge-sahiba pradhar rahi hai!!
(*** I don't know if 'pradhar rahi hai' is the right phrase. But that's what it sounded like in the dream!! ***)
Me: Ha wohi!!
Gulii: Kya ha wohi? Repeat kar na... Pr...prag... (laughing again)
Chaal: Gulli, what's your role?
Gulli: Me and Deepika are the make-up artists. I'm supposed to do the make-up for Rungta Aunty and Deepika is supposed to do the make-up for Shaifali! I don't know how I'm going to make Rungta aunty look partly human, leave alone a fair judge!!
Vinu: Shaifali?!? What's her role?
Deepika: She's the vamp. She's supposed to be Ragu's love interest! :D
Me: lets go see Ragu. I hear they are making him practice how to put the tika exactly like Ekta Kapoor.

( To Be Continued...)

Jet Lagged!!

There is this term ‘jet lag’, and then there is the term ‘out stone cold’. Paul was jet lagged and I was, well, out stone cold, for most of it any way. There was this last leg of the journey from Minneapolis to Oregon where I fell asleep even before the flight took off and woke up only when everyone was unbuckling after landing!! Some where in between I vaguely recall being asked if I wanted a drink, but then that’s all!! The rest of the journey was a total blank!

As we stepped into our apartment, I stood in the center of our living-room/hallway/dining-room and took a deep breath, “Oooh... Smells like Jasmine!!” That’s when Paul walked in with our last suitcase and said, “It’s good to be back Home!!”

In my head: Ding-Ding-Ding. Our 5348659502340761th time Marital Argument Champion, Rose throws a defiant punch at our 5348659502340761th time Marital Argument Defendant, Paul. Whamm!! As he takes a step back in shock, Rose finishes him off with an upper cut and Paul has fallen, again, for the 5348659502340762nd time!! Ding-Ding-Ding!! Ladies and gentleman I present to you the Marital Argument Champion for the 5348659502340762nd time - Rose. Then I lift up my championship belt studded with diamonds, look into one of the cameras and yell, “Aaaargh... Home!? This is not Home.... Home is in India!! Aaargh....”

In reality: I look at Paul and ask simply, “Really? Not for me. For me home is always India.” Paul didn't say anything to that, so by default I won this argument too. (too easy :)

Anyway, the next few days we were sleeping in the evenings and waking at midnight. During one such night, we watched the movie Om Shanti Om. And I should say the story line is ridiculous. In Sharuk’s imitation of Rajnikant, it was ‘Rascala, I say!! Rascala’!! That said, the movie was absolutely amazing!!! I totally loved it (except the part where Deepika Padukone was playing the ‘real’ ghost. That was plain nasty)!! Turning such a ridiculous story line into a great movie is definitely praise worthy, even from a Bollywood skeptic like me. I really like all the overacting and hamming. It was too funny!! And like everyone else I really liked the song with the 32 stars. I wish they had omitted Tushar Kapoor though!! He’s such an ape!!

Finally, after a week, I’m feeling homesick :( I guess jet lag is God’s way of making you physically adjust to the time difference and emotionally adjust to missing home. Now that I’m well set in the times, I miss Mummy’s cooking and Pappa's criticism of it, Pappa’s specifications for pazham puzhangiad (Steamed Bananas), going to church with both of them, going shopping with Mummy and all the love!! I even miss the excessive sweating a lil bit. Just a teensy-weensy bit. Sigh.... home, is definitely India.

Yesterday I walked into Target, and you know what?? I felt right at home!! Well, I guess from now on, Home, is Target. ;)

Have a nice day people and go home as often as you can!!

India Time!

It's almost a trend in India - girls get married and then go to the US or in some rare cases UK. It was a trend I didn't like, until I got married and it happened to me! After which I hated the trend!! I wanted to run back home, hug my parents and never come back here. Paul’s afraid I’ll refuse to get back on the plane, so he’s packed a few chains as well. :) But with time I have come to terms with it. I think....

Tomorrow I fly to India, for a 2 week vacation! This is the first time I’ll be going home after my marriage, so it’s a big deal!! When I say ‘Big Deal’, I don’t mean lotsa parties and hoopla. I mean I’m ‘Big’, gained weight you see!! Everybody has some annoying relatives, who take it as their personal business to dwell on your shortcomings, and so do I. But once you get married, the number usually triples (No, not doubles, but triples). I have decided to count the number of people who point out to me that I have gained weight. And I have also decided to keep a few smart retorts handy:

• You really think I have gained weight? I never noticed! I just bought a whole bunch of clothes in a larger size, because it’s in fashion!!
• Yes, I have gained weight. And your point is?
• For those who are obviously fat themselves: So what did you have for breakfast, a whole cow?
  

Phew.... That was therapeutic!!! Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’ll be gone for 2 weeks and most probably won’t be blogging while I’m in India. (I know you don’t care!!)

BBye!

Jury Duty

What is it that excites a woman but bores a man? The list is endless:

• A 50% off sale at Macy's!!
• A 0 Calorie chocolate!
• Peanut butter that is as good for you as is oat meal.
• A weight loss pill that has absolutely no side effects and actually works!
• Anything Pink!
• Laundry that never gets dirty!
• A car that drives itself (Sigh... Relief!)
• A long long bath...
• Etc...
• Etc...
• Etc...
• Jury Duty!!

Surprised? But it's true!! Most women I know, would love to be called for Jury Duty. What is the appeal of Jury Duty you ask? Apart from getting the day off work, what appeals most to women is that they can freely pass judgment on others and gossip about it for as long as they want. Of course, whether or not the defendant is guilty is secondary!

A while ago my Mom-in-law got called for Jury Duty and she made it almost all the way! It was the final stage of jury selection, where they ask each potential juror a set of questions pertaining to the case, so that they can gauge whether or not the juror will be prejudicial. So, Mom was waiting with the other potential jurors for the lawyer to start talking. In the mean time she was just looking around and noticed two young men dressed in suits and looking very smart, talking to the lawyer. She assumed them to be either paralegals or lawyers assisting the main lawyer. But imagine her surprise, when the lawyer introduces them to the court as the defendants in a bar fight!!

Mom: (Really?!? These two good looking, well dressed boys were in a bar fight?)

The Lawyer: Ma'am, do you have sons of your own?

Mom: Yes, (thinking of Paul) I have a son!

The Lawyer: Ma'am, can you imagine your son in such a situation? In a bar fight?

Mom: No, I can never imagine my son, in a bar fight. (Now, my Daughter-in-law, maybe.... ;)

The Lawyer: Thank you Ma'am. Your services will no longer be needed.

Mom: (What!!! Just because my son is not brawly I don't get to punish someone else's children!! I have got to find an aggressive and dominating daughter-in-law to compensate for my Paul's meekness!!)

And her prayers were answered... :P

Anyway, you might be wondering, why I started talking about Jury Duty? No, not because of Mom's experience, this happened long before I met Paul. But because Paul got a call, that too for Federal Jury duty!! (My reaction: Ooooooo..... Paul's reaction: Blech!!)

Paul got a letter a few months back, requesting his information. We duly filled it and sent it back. Paul was hoping something in the information would disqualify him, but unfortunately for him, he got the call. It was supposed to be yesterday, but unfortunately for me, all the cases got cancelled!! So Paul never had to go for Jury Duty.

(My reaction: Oh no! :( Paul's reaction: Yipppeeee!!)

But wait, he has to go on August 15th!!

(My reaction: Yea!!! Paul's reaction: Blech!! :)

Hope all of ya have a lawful day!

'Small' Talk

My niece Rachel is now 2 years and 9 months and she says the cutest things. She’s like a mini human being, living her life. She has her problems, and her choices in clothes, her likes and dislikes, her hobbies, and even her own check-in luggage!! Rachel is a typical girl - eats sparingly, likes to dress up, loves to be photographed, enjoys shopping and has a fetish for high heeled shoes!!! I spent quiet some time talking to my sister the other day and we were going over her cute statements. So I thought I should document them lest I forget.

Rachel’s best friend’s name is Aditi (Ya, she has a best friend!! They are the same age. I told ya, mini human being :). So one day Rachel was missing Aditi and she wanted to talk to her. She forced her mom to phone Aditi’s mom. And they had a conversation:

Aditi: Hello

Rachel: Hello

Aditi: Rachel How is Jacob? (Aditi totally loves Rachel’s younger brother Jacob, 9 months)

Rachel: Oh, Jacob is saying Blah Blah Bli Bli. (He was just learning to talk, and that’s all he said :D )

One morning, while I was visiting my sister, I woke up to a wailing and crying Rachel. She was standing outside the kitchen and crying, tears streaming down her cheeks, while my sister, totally unperturbed, was making breakfast.

Me: What is it Rachel? Do you want Rose Mai to give you a big huggy?

Rachel: (Even more loudly) Waaaaa.....

Me: (really sad... can't take it when Rachel cries) Diya, why is she crying?

Diya: Oh, she doesn't like to wear the pink shirt with the frock. She doesn't think it looks good. Leave her alone for a minute. She'll be OK.

Me: (I don't think it looks good either!! At least she has good taste!!) Do you want a red pencil? your book? a Ummah?

Rachel: (Ear splitting) Waaaaa....

Diya: Nothing works... Leave her alone.

Me: (Give Diya a 'what kind of a mother are you' look and go sit on the sofa)

After a minute or so, Just as Diya predicted, Rachel stopped crying. Diya offered her an FT (French Toast) and they hugged happily. Seeing this I jumped in for a group hug, but got a 'why are you interrupting my mommy time' look from Rachel. :( Sigh... I guess mommy knows best....

It was Thanksgiving time and Diya, David and kids had been with us. During that time, Rachel got pretty close to us as well as Paul’s parents. One day after they had gone back to Denver, Rachel had an argument with Diya and she was very mad. The conversation that followed is one of my favorites:

Rachel: I don’t like you. I’m going away.

Diya: (Laughing) Where are you going to go?

Rachel: Give me my check-in luggage. I’m going to go to Rose Mai and Paul Uncle’s house (Yipppeeee :D )

Diya: OK, you go. Who’s stopping you?

Rachel: I’m going, give me my check-in luggage. (According to her all luggage is check-in luggage and she thinks you can’t get on a plane without the check-in luggage)

Diya: (Laughing even harder) But Paul Uncle and Rose Mai have gone to the office.

Rachel: OK, then I’ll go to Kuriappan Uncle’s house. (:D That’s Paul’s Dad!! There’s no fooling kids!!) Give me my check-in luggage!!

For some odd reason, my sister’s kids like big words. The bigger they are, the more syllables they have, the more they like them. My nephew Jacob's first word was Da-Da, second word was Ma-Ma and the third word was - 'Tylenol'!! (I guess their advertising is working!) My niece Rachel learnt the alphabet and she does the letter-to-word association, like ‘A’ for apple, and so on. Some of them are interesting.

'D' for Dinosaur. (Not Dog, Not Door, Dinosaur. Bigger the word...)

'H' for Hippopotamus. (More than half the people here don’t know how to spell this!! :D)

'R' for Rhinoceros. (Why not R for Rose Mai? I suppose she thought, if they both weigh the same.... :)

But my most favorite statement off all is this one: She was having a bath when she turns around and tells her mother, "I like Rose Mai!" :D (What? You were expecting something more??!? The kid spontaneously declared her affection for me!! That's a big deal people!!)

A 'Fishy' Story

As a kid, I always wanted a pet. When I was in fifth grade, I brought home an injured bat (ya, the black, flying variety). My mother went nuts, threw the bat out and shoved me into the bathroom for a shower. After that I got a long long lecture that lasted for a while.

Since I didn't have a pet of my own, I was very supportive of those who did. My close friends didn't have pets, but my friend Mahesh's friend had an aquarium. His aquarium was very pretty, had lots of colorful fish and shells and plants. Anyway, one day they were going to the local pond to find more fish for his aquarium. So I joined in. We fished out some small ugly brown fish and took it to his house, and added it to the aquarium. When I ran into him after a few weeks he didn't seem happy. Turns out the ugly brown fish were tadpoles. They grew into lil frogs and ate half the colorful fish. His mother was my class teacher, so I kept a low profile for a lil while.

When I was in the 3 rd year of college, I wanted a pet once again and so I asked my parents if we could have a dog. My mother refused, said she already had one ( :( Me!! ). Then I insisted on a tortoise, my parents didn't even bother to respond. Then I asked for a fish bowl, and Pappa finally agreed. So I marched to the pet store and bought a big fish bowl, some pebbles, fish food, a water plant and 5 goldfish. Brought it all home and started setting things up.

Step 1: Called the maid and gave her the instructions.
Step 2: Watched TV.
Step 3: Got yelled at by my mother.
Step 4: Unwillingly helped the maid set up the fish bowl. Added the pebbles, set the plant and filled it with aerated water (I forgot to aerate the water. Mummy did that!!). I then added the fish.
Step 5: Called my best friend over to share in the excitement.
Step 6: We got bored after 5 mins. Turns out, all the fish can do, is swim around and bang against the glass!!

Anyway I decided to name the fish. So I named them after my friends - Gulli, Vinu, Chaal, Kali (Karthik - for some odd reason people called him that) and Deepi. Chaal didn't even last one night. It was floating belly up the next morning. I fished it out and played with the dead fish by poking its belly for a lil while. It was really cute. This was a Sunday morning, so I did a formal burial. I called gulli and dug a small hole in my garden and in went Chaal. I said some prayers as Gulli was staring at me with disbelief and my maid and mother were looking on in amusement. When I was done, Gulli whacked me and we went on with our usual gossipping.

By the end of the day Gulli was dead and duly buried. The real Gulli whacked me again afterwards because I dragged her out at 11:00 pm for the funeral. The next day Kali followed, but I was at college. So when I came back and saw one fish missing, I was upset. My maid told me she fed the fish to the neighbor’s cat. I was appalled!! I was yelling at her when my mother intervened and asked me not to upset the dying fish.

?!?!??

“What dying fish?” I asked. “The black one in the bowl”, she said. “I think its dying. See how it is tilted to one side as it swims?” I spent the rest of the evening staring at Deepi swimming lopsided through the bowl. In the morning it was floating belly-up. I was late for college so I asked my maid to bury it. I threatened to kill her if she fed it to the cat!!

Poor Vinu was alone in the bowl. We did our best to cheer him up. Pappa even tapped the bowl a few times when he came home for lunch. Mummy sang for it as she passed the bowl. We didn't talk in loud voices around it. Even my maid pitied it and prepared fresh aerated water for it. But after 2 weeks Vinu gave out his last air bubble when I was in college and flipped over. My maid buried it and informed me when I came home.

I was so relieved!!! It was sad watching poor Vinu swimming around on its own, looking out the fish bowl with its big eyes. The fish bowl sat there on its own. Eventually the water plant died too. For a while the fish bowl was used to hold our dis-functional TV remote.

I wanted to re-populate the fish bowl, but didn't want any more fish funerals (Gulli's whacking was getting to be a lil painful). So I decided to consult the fish expert - Vinu (not the fish, the real one). He told me gold fish are rather delicate and hard to maintain. Ask the pet shop guy for some hardy fish. So off I went to the pet shop, but this time I took my fish expert with me. And we finally bought 2 angelfish.

The fishbowl was cleaned out and set up again and the fish were added, again. They were very pretty, all black with feathery fins. One of them had a single white fin. This time I decided to give them some classy names. The all black one was named Fitz, after the poet Edward Fitzgerald and the one with the white fin was named Nemo, after, well, Nemo!! After a month Fitz died. But I liked the name Fitz more than Nemo, so I switched the names and declared that Nemo died. And Fitz lived on.

After about 6 months though, Fitz passed away. But it didn't just die, it sacrificed its life, for ME. Don't laugh!!! It's true. I was sick with typhoid.... and it gave up its life for me..... and I lived..... you know..... sacrifice..... Oh forget it!! You skeptics won't understand the special bond between a girl and her fish!

In honor of Fitz I painted a beautiful golden fish on my bedroom door. I know Fitz was black, but the black fish I painted didn't look pretty!!

Poll: Which One is the Rubber Ball?

This poll was posted in reference to the post ‘The Ghosts of Years Past, Present and Yet to Come’ (I know you haven't read it!!). I guessed 2 to 3 votes and 2 votes there are!! Unfortunately it’s the wrong answer. The right answer is supposed to be work (which I guessed by the way), because doesn’t matter how many jobs you lose or quit or are fired from, you can always get a new job. It’s not the same in case of the other 4 – family, friends, health and integrity. If you lose them, you don’t always get it back, and even if you do, it will not be the same!!

Actually everybody I know guessed ‘family’. I think because according to our Indian upbringing, family is like a safety-net, doesn’t matter how young or old you are!! Why did I guess ‘work’? Let’s say it’s life experience. :)

So there you have it: Work is expendable.

My Inference of the Midnight Interference

After a long and tiring day, (which involved ignoring my work duties, talking to friends on the phone, setting up a facebook account, having Sushi for dinner, editing my wedding video with my in-laws & watching House episodes), Paul and me settled into bed with our books. Paul was re-reading the most serious book he has read so far - Harry Potter, and I was reading a book from Paul's collection of 'really' serious books - an Archies comic! At some point lights were turned of, followed by a lot of tossing around until I found a position that was comfortable and prepared myself for the ensuing 15 mins of staring into the dark wondering 'Oh God! when am I going to fall asleep'!!

So I'm in the 14th or 15th minute, just about to fall asleep, when the phone rings!!!

First ring....

Me: (Reallllyyyy annoyed!)
Paul: Who could be calling at 12:30 in the night? (Realizes it's his cell phone. Gets up to find it...)

Second Ring...

Me: (Really worried. Did something happen to Mummy-Pappa...)
Paul: (Realizes his phone is not on the dresser... still looking...)

Third ring....

Me: (Why aren't they calling on the land line? Isn't it working?) I stretch my hand out to see what's wrong with the phone, but suddenly stop. (Oh No!! Something happened to my parents!!!) Heart's beating fast.
Paul: (Still looking for the phone, in the pants hanging behind the door)

Fourth ring....

Me: (Pick up the damn phone Paul!!! Mummy-Pappa were in an accident. :O And I'm here, so far away. Will plane tickets be available at such a short notice?)
Paul: (Finally discovered which pocket!! Fumbling with the phone....)

Fifth ring.... Cut in half as Paul answers the call...

Paul: Hello? Sorry? Umm... No.... Wrong number.
Me: (What the hell!!)
Paul: Someone waiting for someone at 14th Avenue.
Me: Ah-ha... (I hope they drop dead on 14th Avenue)
Paul: Good night honey...
Me: G'nite...

Re-start 15 minute countdown to sleep!! When it's really hard for me to go back to sleep, I sing the rhyme, '99 bottles of beer on the wall', in my head (or sometimes make Paul sing :). So I started singing that, but with a few edits...

99 Bottles of beer on the wall,
99 Bottles of beer.
You take one down,
And pass it around.
98 Bottles of beer on the wall.

98 bottles of beer on the wall,
I feel like killing the idiot who called.
You take one down,
And pass it around.
Have to call Mummy-Pappa...

97 Bottles of beer on the wall....
. . . . .
. . . .

You get the drift....

Patient Diagnosis

For the last 3 or 4 days I have had this nagging head-congestion accompanied with the usual head-aches and ear-aches. I thought I had the flu, but the thermometer said otherwise. It showed a normal temperature of 98.6. As we all know, if you don't have a fever, nobody sympathizes. So inspite of feeling incredibly crappy, I managed to host a game night, go shopping for 6 hours straight, play tennis (of course on the Wii), edit my wedding video, go to church and make a week's supply of celery-pea soup!!

Last night after making the celery pea soup, I sat down to have dinner while watching House. (Don't know what that is? Read Tube Attractions). As the episode progressed, and Dr. House was making one differential diagnosis after another, it dawned on me that I should diagnose myself. By now the symptoms had compounded to no taste in the mouth, body ache and an upset stomach. I thought now I must definitely have a fever, I feel hot all over. So out came the thermometer. first take - 98.5. Second take - 98.7.

Paul: So how much?
Me: (Really puzzled) 98.7
Paul: Isn't that normal?
Me: grunting... Yes....
Paul: Hmmmm....
Me: Something is wrong. I feel like crap, Darn it!!

On the TV, a limping House is pulling and pushing an unwilling patient's gurney to the MRI room, against his will. I decided to think like House. If I am right, then who is worng? Paul!! :) Seriously, apart from Paul, the thermometer. The thermometer is wrong, I conclude. Now to prove the little guy wrong. I get up with a new found energy, wash and dry the thermometer and hold it infront of Paul, an inch from his mouth. A very baffled Paul obediently open's his mouth and let's me take his temperature. And... And... And...

His temperature was 97.5!!!

So!??! So?!? So, you ask??!?

So the normal temperature according to my disfunctional thermometer is 97.5 not 98.7 as it should have been!! Meaning that when it said my temperature was 98.7, it meant it actually was, 99.9. I had a fever!!!! Which in turn means I can throw my weight around and be bossy. :P On a second thought, I do that anyway :D

Conclusion: If Dr. House were real, he would be proud of me :) He might have even hired me!!

Anyway the next day I wasn't feeling very good, so I decided to stay home from work. In my free time, I was thinking about how I spent my weekend and realized no one would guess I was ill. But if you looked very, very carefully, you would see a few signs. So I made a list.

You know you are ill, when:

- Used tissues pop out of your pant, shirt and coat pockets!!

- Your husband plays the song he hates, just because you like it. You are really ill if he plays it twice. You aren't terminally ill, if he objects when you play it a third time :)

- You insist that your husband buy green peas and celery so you can make soup. In the night. In pouring rain. And he agrees (So sweet...)

- You forget to mention fat free milk and ask him to go out again. And he agrees. (Even Sweeter)

- He gives up TV rights on a sunday so you could watch what you want. You know you aren't terminally ill when, after an hour of amusing himself, he insisits you play some tennis with him! (Of course on the Wii)

Good health to all of ya!!!

Paul Vs Peanut Butter

Paul and I were sitting in the cafeteria after a sumptuous lunch prepared by me - Stuffed mushrooms with creamed potatoes and Leeks, and some celery-pea soup. We had some time on our hands and were just talking, while I licked Thai chilly sauce off the tips of a fork. (I know it's bizarre, but that's me!)

Paul: (laughing at me) Reminds me of how you lick Peanut Butter off a spoon.

Me: Yummmm.... Peanut Butter...

Paul: If you had to choose between Thai chilly sauce and Peanut Butter, what would you pick?

Me: PB (still licking...)

Paul: PB or the soup we just had?

Me: PB (No hesitation at all!!)

Paul: PB or Water?

Me: PB

Paul: PB or water - in a desert?

Me: Water. (I’m logical)

Paul: PB or a night with me at home, watching TV?

Me: Mmmmmmmmmm...... (Thinking...)

Paul: Oh God! You are thinking about it?

Me: Ok fine!! You.

Paul: PB or 50 $ that you can’t spend on PB

Me: PB (I’m not materialistic :)

Paul: PB or 100 $?

Me: (A small pause...) PB

Paul: PB or 200 $?

Me: Hmmmmm..... 200 $

Paul: Oh then 150 $? (Paul trying to bargain on an imaginary choice!)

Me: PB (rolling eyes)

Paul: 190 $?

Me: PB

Paul: 195 $?

Me: PB

Paul: 199 $?

Me: PB

Paul: 199.5 $?

Me: PB

Paul: (laughing...) 199.99 $?

Me: PB

Paul: So 200 $ ha?

Me: Nodding. (While blowing my nose)

Paul: A table spoon of PB or 1 large Reece’s Peanut Butter cup?

Me: PB

Paul: A table spoon of PB or 10 large Reece’s Peanut Butter cups?

Me: PB (Still blowing my nose. Head congestion + Thai chilly sauce = extremely runny nose)

Paul: (Smirking...) a table spoon of PB or a long smoochy kiss from me?

Me: PB (No. No pause :)

Paul: What!!?! (Stands up and starts packing up our lunch stuff...)

Me: Won’t you let me explain my logic?

Paul: Oh no, no. I’m so hurt (Mock sadness). I can’t believe you chose PB over me! I’m so filled with sadness the way you are filled with....

Me: (Still blowing nose and not paying much attention to Paul who’s pretending to cry his heart out)

Paul: ...Phlegm! (Ughhh...) But I’ll persevere till the day I take the place of PB in your life. (Looks at me for reaction)

Me: (No reaction. We have started walking towards the elevators and I’m finishing up my nose wiping. Thai chilly sauce – Bad Idea)

Paul: (Seeing no reaction) Little did you know, that had you chosen the kiss, I would have turned into a whole jar of PB. An entire large jar of PB. See? You chose 1 table spoon of PB over 1 large jar!!

Me: (Seeing a chance for redemption and at the same time, a way of putting a stop to Paul’s outpouring of cheesy romantic PB lines) See honey, that’s exactly why I didn’t choose your kiss!! Then you would turn into PB and then I would eat you and then you’ll be gone!!

Paul: No, I would be inside you. (Presses the elevator button)

Me: Only for a day or two!! Then you’ll be gone!

Paul: (Laughing...)

Me: Even if any of the PB remains, it would be clogging my arteries. (Ping!! Elevator has arrived. I step in) Is that what you want, to form a block in my heart?

Paul: (Smiling) At least then I’ll be in your heart.

Me: (Laughing.... Too cheesy-romantic a statement. Can’t respond)

Paul: (Leans into the elevator, Kisses me goodbye and walks off...) B-Bye

Me: (After the elevator doors close) Alas!! He didn’t turn into a jar of Peanut Butter!! :(

New Year Resolutions!

I guess it is the universal trend, to make a list of resolutions in the beginning of each year, and then not to finish even one of them! This has been true for me too.

As a teenager I used to keep a diary. In the first page of the diary, I used to make a neat list of my resolutions for that year. But I rarely wrote in my diary, just few times a year. So few a times, that if you made it into a book, it would be the shortest book ever written!! ('The Chronicles of Rose Loney' - 3 pages. Ha!!). I usually made an entry on new years, once on my birthday and one or two random times when I have fought with some friend or the other. So I saw my Diary on very few occasions in a year. Therefore I didn't 'see' my list of resolutions that often. This was my excuse for not keeping any of my resolutions.

But one year, I decided to do something about it. I wrote my resolutions using a permanent marker on the full length mirror in my room. But I wrote it in code so others didn't know. So everyday as I was getting dressed, my resolutions stared back at me. I'm proud to say that this worked, but only for a while.

After a couple of months, it started bothering me, for 2 reasons. One, all those who entered my room (that's all my friends and family!), wanted to know what it was. When I said it was my resolutions for this year, they wanted to know 'what' the resolutions were. I thought it was rather obvious that I didn't want them to know, since it was in code!!! I used to put it off by saying, if I keep 'em, I shall reveal 'em. Second, it was obstructing my view!! I don't look good with green things scrawled across my face, even if it is only my reflection!!

So the solution I decided..... was to switch mirrors!! I started using the one in the bathroom. (Did you actually think I kept my resolutions?!?! Oh, wait, I can't stop laughing.... :D) Anyway, this method failed too.

This year I have decided to put my resolutions on the blog. This way, occasionally, you guys can prod me with a few comments, asking me if I have fulfilled any or if I have broken any. I have also set up my calendar to remind me once a week to read this post. I'll most probably ignore the reminders by perpetually snoozing them, but it's worth a try. (I currently have a reminder that is 17 days overdue!!) :(

So here goes.

Resolutions for the Year 2008

1. Lose weight - I make this resolution every year. I think it's become a tradition.
1(a). Lose at least 40 lbs and reach target weight. But do it the right way i.e. diet AND exercise (Blah!)
1(b). Once you lose it, keep it off!!
1(c). Lose the first 15 lbs by end of this month, or risk your mother slamming the door in your face when you reach India.

2. Try not to get pregnant. If you do, blame Paul.

3. By June 2008, decide what you want to do with your life.
3(a). Decide what your post graduate degree should be.
3(b). Then start preparing for the requsite exam, so you can take it by year end!!

4. Go Skiing!! (Even if it means dragging Paul along on a leash)

5. Convince David and Diya to move to Portland (Sigh....)

6. Learn to love the work you do, if not, at least pretend to like it ;) !

7. Take part in the Portland Marathon in September.
7(a). As a runner, NOT as a supporter.
7(b). Start training from June, then maybe you'll actually train from August!

8. Visit at least 3 new US states this year. (Paul, stop overs at Airports do not count!)

9. Improve your Tennis.
9(a). Try and direct the balls to the opposite court, and not to the ones around you.

I think I'll stop here. Hopefully I can wipe out most of these by next year! You might wonder why I'm talking of myself in the third person. I have no clue really. I guess it sounds more serious, just like the Ten Commandments - You shall not take your Lord's name in vain, You shall not steal, You shall.... mmmmm..... You shall.... (What? I know the rest. Just didn't want to sound preachy... )