Soap-y Dreamz

Everyone has these really bizarre dreams once in a while and I had mine yesterday. Well, it's not as bizarre as it is silly. But I found it funny, so funny that when I was in the state of waking up, I could hear myself laughing!! Anyway I have decided to commit literary suicide by trying to narrate it. You must keep in mind that I can't describe every lil nuance of the characters. And however funny I thought the dream was, you might not find it half as funny. Also, if you weren't brought up in the colony, you'll have absolutely no idea who the characters are (Sorry Paul). Anyway, here goes.....

Every year the Grasim Ladies Club hosts the Anand Bazaar which is basically a 'Fair', the proceeds from which partly go towards the funding of the club and partly towards the running of a school for poor children. The Anand Bazaar mostly consisted of loads of food stalls - Chole & Bathura, Kachori, Samosa, Sugar Cane Juice, Rasgulla, Jalebi, Gulab Jamun, Ice cream , Masala Dosa, Idlis, Hollige, Cake, Puffs, Omeletes, Cutlets, etc.... You get the idea. It also had some assorted games, like scattering a heap of cups, darts, a small Ferris wheel, etc. But the biggest profits any year came from one stall alone. The profits from this stall were more than 10 times the profits from all the other stalls put together. This was the lottery stall. Tickets were planned and sold more than two months in advance. Most people didn't like the lottery system because it meant for two months they'll be either hounded or goaded into buying tickets. It was especially the uncles that had to suffer the most. Because most men were asked to buy entire books!! Why should they give in you ask? Well, well, well, because they were asked to buy them by their bosses' wives!! But every body always gave in because it was for a good cause.

But this year the men decided to stand up for themselves. They had enough of this day light robbery of their cigarette and alcohol allowances. So a plan was made and Kamalkanth Mandelia uncle was asked to represent their cause, because he usually gave in to most of the women and got stuck with the maximum number of lottery books.

Scene 1 of Soap-y Dreamz:

One very long conference table in the conference room in the factory. All the uncles in their light blue and grey uniforms surround the table. At one end sits Kamalkanth Mandelia uncle and at the other end sits Maru aunty representing the Ladies Club. Beside her sits her husband, Maru uncle-ji, who is the Chief Executive of the division. He's there mostly to have fun, but is afraid to accept it, as he might then have to smile.

Kamalkanth Mandelia Uncle: Maru ji, yeh Lottery system sahi nahin hai. Sari ladies mujhi pe apni books luta deti hain. Yeh Ladies samajhti hain ki main bachelor hoon tho mujhe koi kharcha nahin hai. Yehbhi nahin sochti ki mujhe Alimony aur child support bhi pay karna hai.
Maru Uncle-ji: Sahi hain, sahin hain.... (But goes quiet when he sees his wife glaring at him)
Janaki Raman Uncle: (In a very heavy Tamil , sorry, Saurashtrian accent) Yes, Maru-ji, it is true for us married men also. Our wives get mad if we buy whole books. Also, these ladies or kids set out to sell the lottery tickets in the afternoon when our wives are sleeping. If my wife gets disturbed, then when I go home, there will be extra nagging. It sometimes gets violent.
All uncles in unsion: Yes, Maru-ji, Hamare ghar me bhi yahin haal hain... Yeh Lottery system rokiye.
Maru Aunty: Shaanth hojayi!! Main Grasim Ladies Club ki secretary se baath karke aapko hamaara decsion sunaungi.

Maru Aunty gets up and walks out of the room as the sea of blue and grey uniforms part to let her pass. As the doors close, the men start murmuring.

Scene 2 of Soap-y Dreamz:

Maru Aunty is sitting in the most important chair in the factory – in her husband’s chair in his office. And where is the Chief Ececutive of the Grasilinie and HPF Division you ask? Well he has dislodged the most expendable DGM in the factory. Maru aunty is busy doing what most Indian women do best, adjusting their saris and staring at their reflection. The phone rings, it is Maru Uncle-ji’s secretary, now serving Maru Aunty.

Secretary: Secretary-ji aayi hain. Andar bhejoon?
Maru Aunty: Ji, Zaroor.

The double doors open and in walks Ladies club’s most successful Secretary to date, Mrs. Omana Loney, my mother. ( Whom I shall call mummy in this post :D ) She’s wearing her all white salwar especially stitched and embroidered for her to wear to her badminton finals. She’s also wearing her white sports shoes and is holding in one hand, her Badminton Racquet, in a very Jitendra meets Nirma Super Ad ish-style!!

Mummy: Good Morning Maru-ji!
Maru Aunty: Good Morning Omana. Ek aur problem aa gayi hain.
Mummy: Achha? Tho jaldi solve karte hain Maru-ji, mujhe Badminton Finals khelne jaana hain. Aap aa rahin hain kya dekhne?
Maru Aunty: Usme kya hain, Tum hi tho jeetogi, har saal ki tarah.
Mummy: (Adjusting her dupatta) Haan, woh tho hain...
Maru Aunty: Ab iska kyaan kare? Lottery rok denge tho Anand Bazaar loss me chalega na?
Mummy: Ha who tho hain. Mere paas do ideas hain Maru-ji. Ek, ki hum 'ladies cricket' arrange karte hain. Players aur viwers dono se hi paisa collect karenge.
Maru Aunty: Ladies cricket... Hmmm... Omana yeh idea bahut hi simple aur smart hai. Mujhe nahi lagta ki hamare ladies club committee ko pasand aayega. Doosra idea kya hain?
Mummy: Doosra idea yeh hain ki hum ek 'Hindi Soap' banaye.
Maru Aunty: Ye Hindi Soap kya hain?
Mummy: Yehi, hamara Hindi serial. Isko log aajkal Hindi 'soap' bolte hain. Too much western influence! All because of MTV, Channel [V], Star World. Main hamesha bolti hoon Rose ko, kum Channel [V], zyada Star news. Lekin aaj kal ke bache.... (You don't need to hear the rest of that...)
Maru Aunty: Tho hum ek Hindi serial banaye? Aur kaunse channel pe broadcast hoga?
Mummy: Mene suna he ki Ekta Kapoor ko Ache serials ki talash hain. Woh khud hi apne saas-bahu serials se bore ho chuki hain. Mujhe lagta hai hum agar ek mystrey serial banayenge tho bahut chalega.
Maru Aunty: Hindi Soap banane ke liye paisa hamare paas hain nahi. Lekin agar hum ek lottery rakhe tho uske liye paisa mil jayega. Omana, tu ja apna match jeet ke aa. Kal ek Ladies club meeting rakhenge aur story discuss karenge.
Mummy: Thik he. Actors aur actresses hum hamare colony se hi select karenge. Aaj kal ke bachche waise bhi kitna acting karte hain.... Dood peena ho, tho bhi acting.... Padna ho, tho bhi acting.... (You don't need to hear the rest of that...)
Maru Aunty: Aapne thik kahan. Hamare club ki ladies bhi kuch kam nahin. Director main banoongi. Mere bachpan ka khwaab hain. Maru-ji hamesha hi kehte he, ki mujh me bahut talent hain!
Mummy: Achcha Maru-ji, main chali.

Scene 3 of Soap-y Dreamz:

The word has spread. The whole colony is buzzing with excitement. Everyone is grouped around cement slabs discussing what the story will be. Some have more information than the others. It is going to be a mystery and the title is - (brace yourself) - Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi? Why such an odd title you ask? Well, if Ekta Kapoor had to accept the serial then the the title had to start with a 'K'. The lead role of the lady Judge was assigned to Rungta Aunty. Yes, the very same Rungta Aunty with three sons, who used to be my neighbor. :D What's so funny about that you ask? Well, she wasn't very popular for her honesty or unbiased and impartial views...

Anyway, me and my friends had gathered around one such cement slab and were discussing our roles.

Chaal: Oh, they have made me the spot boy. One of those aunties said I don't have the 'viewer appeal' for Hindi Serials. What does that mean?
Vinu: It means that you can't wear a sherwani, grow a beard, tie a pony, wear a tika and become a Hindi Serial villan. Me on the otherhand, I'm playing the villan's brother. Every time the villan is going to be arrested, I'm supposed to say, "Nahi Vikram, main tujhe Jail jaane nahin doonga!! Iska badla main zaroor loonga'
Deepika: Who is the villan?
Me: Ragu!! (Laughing....) Since he has the beard and the long hair, I guess he is halfway there. ;)
Gulli: E Rose, teri Mummy secretary hai na? Tho influence use kar ke Chaal ko koi role dila. Bachara kitna sad hai.
Me: Mere Mummy ka influence itna kaam ka nahin. Mummy ne influence use kiya aur dekho mujhe 'bailiff' ka role mila!! Blah!
Deepika: 'Bay Leaf' !?!? What we use in cooking? Is it because you drink so much sambar in the canteen?
Gulli: I know... (Laughing very hard...) Ragu calls her.... (laughing even harder...) 'Sambar Rani'. Chaal: I don't think that is what it means....
Vinu: Rose, no words longer than 4 letters, please!!
Me: (a lil irritated) Not 'Bay Leaf'!! Bailiff!! The person who announces the judge. I have only one dialogue in the whole serial, that I'm supposed to repeat often, "Judge-sahiba pr... pragd.. pragdanri hai!!"
Gulli: (falls off the cement slab laughing... The rest of them were uneffected, which only shows that their hindi is as bad as mine) Pragdanri hai NAHI!!! Judge-sahiba pradhar rahi hai!!
(*** I don't know if 'pradhar rahi hai' is the right phrase. But that's what it sounded like in the dream!! ***)
Me: Ha wohi!!
Gulii: Kya ha wohi? Repeat kar na... Pr...prag... (laughing again)
Chaal: Gulli, what's your role?
Gulli: Me and Deepika are the make-up artists. I'm supposed to do the make-up for Rungta Aunty and Deepika is supposed to do the make-up for Shaifali! I don't know how I'm going to make Rungta aunty look partly human, leave alone a fair judge!!
Vinu: Shaifali?!? What's her role?
Deepika: She's the vamp. She's supposed to be Ragu's love interest! :D
Me: lets go see Ragu. I hear they are making him practice how to put the tika exactly like Ekta Kapoor.

( To Be Continued...)