The ‘Sister’-hood of Marriage

So my sister – Diya, bro-in-law – David and their two seriously-the-most-absolutely-cutest-in-the-whole-wide-world children were visiting us last week from Seattle. (Ya, they moved there a couple weeks ago :). Late Friday night to Sunday evening they stayed with us. And it was one amazing time!!

We had planned a birthday party for Jacob and Rachel. It was Jacob’s first birthday and Rachel’s 3rd. So we had 2 birthday cakes, which like most kids cakes were blindingly colorful with some plastic creatures crawling about. But darn good frosting I should say. We decorated the place with some balloons and gold ribbons. But these were special balloons. Because these balloons were inflated while I was holding Jacob in one hand and fending off Rachel from the decorations periodically with the other!! I should say after I successfully inflated, tied and strung ribbons on all the balloons with just one hand, I was kind of proud of myself. I felt that I was ready for the most daunting of all occupations – Motherhood!!

Anyway, that was one fun birthday party. Rachel sang some cute songs and Jacob was very generous with his kisses. But like all good things, their visit had to come to an end and come Sunday evening, they bundled up into the car and took off to Seattle. Paul and I stood there hugging and waving and feeling a lil sad. As we turned around go back into our quiet apartment, Paul said something that inspired me to write this post, after a long period of hibernation.

Paul: You know, I noticed a lot of similarities between you and Diya and me and David.
Me: Oh really? And, what’s that?
Paul: You know David always asks Diya what to do with the kids, just like I ask you as to how to do everything (a hint of sarcasm there...)
Me: Ya I guess that is true....
Paul: Diya ‘tells’ not requests David to do things. Same with you!! You are always ordering me around!!
Me: Well....
Paul: And the way Diya was posing and asking David if he liked the Kurta she was wearing, that’s exactly how you look at me when you want my opinion about a dress.
Me: (Finally something nice...) Ya, I guess we have some similarities...
Paul: I guess it comes from being sisters.
Me: Ummmm.... No. It comes from being wives!! All wives boss over their husbands, honey. It is a fact of life and you need to accept it. It is not just yours and David’s fate for marrying the Loney Sisters. It is the fate of all husbands all across the world. Men might pretend they are in control, but the truth is, Wife knows best. OK?

To all the men out there, if you are still resisting your wife’s control over you, give up. It is fruitless!! Ask David, my bro-in-law. He tried a lil and then gave up. Paul learnt from his example and just never tried. That’s exactly why we have such happy marriages!! So the key to a happy marriage, is giving in :)

( After reading this post, those of you who feel like pounding me to death, well, Thank God you don’t know where I live. )

( Paul!!! Step away from the computer!! Are you trying to publish my address!! Darn you!!)

Soap-y Dreamz - Part 2

Continued from Soap-y Dreamz...

Scene 3 of Soap-y Dreamz:

After a lot of discussions (read arguments), the Ladies club decided to start shooting the soap. They decided to start with the court room scene. The stage was set in the Grasim Club House’s Table Tennis Room using the LKG/UKG tables and stools. A lot of the colony residents were posing as the courtroom audience. Some were asked to pose as journalists and photographers, so a few of them arrived with their digital cameras and started taking pictures of anything that moved.

I was donning my costume and getting ready to play the part of the Bailiff. It never occurred to me that they had chosen me to play a part predominantly played by men! Ignorant to the misery about to befall me, I was busy buttoning up the suit of my costume, when Meharwal Aunty walked in holding a pagdi (turban) in one hand and a black thing in the other.

Meharwal Aunty: Rose, le thera costume. Jaldi tayaar ho.
Me: Aunty, ye kya hain? (pointing to the suspicious looking black thing)
Meharwal Aunty: Yeh nakli muchchi (fake moustache) aur yeh pagdi (turban).
Me: Muchchi!??!?!! No, No, No, NO!!
Meharwal Aunty: Kya No? Hindi serials main Bailiff hamesha mard hote hain.
Me: (What the.... They thought I would make a better male Bailiff than Chaal?!? I don’t know who should be more insulted!) Lekin Aunty bina muchchi ke mard hote hain na? Main bina muchchi ke Bailiff banoongi.
Meharwal Aunty: Are aise kaise chalega? (Walking away...) Yeh make up artist kidhar hai. Is ladki ko koi muchchi pahnao.
Me: (My face turns a deep crimson red as the whole green room turns to look at me. I franctically start looking for a place to hide when I feel someone tap my shoulder)
Parveen: (Used to be our maid in the colony) Roj, E Roj. Dekh na main poora dressh up karke aayi.
Me: Parveen, tu idhar kya kar rahi hain?
Parveen: amma bola ki main ‘extra’ ka role karsakti hoon. Isliye main apna besht saree aur necklace pehanke aayi.
Me: Oh, thik hain. Parveen yeh apne paas hi rakhna (handing her the fake mustache) aur kisi ko math dena. (saying this I hastily wear my turban and walk onto the set)

I’m absent mindedly walking around the set looking at what’s going on. There’s the court room scene of course. Then there’s the director, Maru Aunty wearing a pink saree and a director’s hat. She’s sitting behind the camera, trying to focus by vigorously zooming the lens in and out. There are totally three flat screen TVs on the set, meant for the director to use to her discretion. I was staring at one of the TV screens that was focused on someone’s shoe. The image of the foot was randomly enlarging and shrinking and was making me dizzy. As I looked away I realized it was a result of the director trying to focus the lens! (God save us all) Suddenly I hear someone call out my name. I turn to see and it is Gulli’s Mom, Agarwal Aunty.

Agarwal Aunty: A Rose, Idhar aa.
Me: Ha, Aunty?
Agarwal Aunty: Woh TV 32 bit hain ki 64 bit hain?
Me: (Wha.....?!?!? 64/32 bit for TVs?)
Agarwal Aunty: Woh kya hain na Poki naya flat screen TV laya. Woh bhi 64 bit . Mujhe lagta hain yeh sirf 32 bit hain. Dekh woh shoes kaise bada-chota-bada-chota hota rahta hain. Bilkul thik nahin hain....
Chaal - The Spot Boy: Bailiff, please assume your position. The scene is about to start.
Me: (Glad to be rescued) Okkie Spot Boy.
Chaal – The spot Boy: Don’t call me that!! At least I’m retaining my gender!!
Me: What!?!! And who isn’t?
Chaal – The spot Boy: I know about the mustache. Where is it by the way?
Me: What mustache? And how do you know?!?
Chaal – The spot Boy: (Laughing) A room full of Ladies club members and you expected it to be a secret is it?
Me: Humph.... (walking away...)

Scene 4 of Soap-y Dreamz:

Chaal – The spot Boy: Take 64 of “Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi”. Thakkk (a slamming noise)
Maru Aunty – Director: Aurrrr.... Action!!
Me – Bailiff: (I stand up and step forward) Judge-sahiba pr... pragd.. pragd....
Maru Aunty – Director: Cut!!! Chalo retake!
Chaal – The spot Boy: Take 65 of “Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi”. Thakkk (a slamming noise)
Maru Aunty – Director: Aurrrr.... Action!!
Me – Bailiff: (I stand up and step forward) Judge-sahiba pr...prad...
Maru Aunty – Director: Cut!! Cut!! RETAKE!!
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Chaal – The spot Boy: (really tired) Take 362 of “Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi”. Thakkk (a slamming noise)
Maru Aunty – Director: (really annoyed) ACTION!!!
Me – Bailiff: (I stand up and step forward) Judge-sahiba pradhar rahi hain....
Audience: Big sigh.....

(Rungta Aunty – Judge-Sahiba walks in wearing her black robes. Gulli has obviously done a very good job of making her look hilarious)
Rungta Aunty – Judge-Sahiba: Please be seated.

There’s a sinister silence in the audience. The kind of silence that precedes a bomb blast. I can’t take the sight of Rungta Aunty in black robes and burst out laughing. The audience follows.

Rungta Aunty – Judge-Sahiba: Order! Order!!
Maru Aunty – Director: Cut!! Cut!!
Rungta Aunty – Judge-Sahiba: Order!! Order!!
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Chaal – The spot Boy: (shaking with silent laughter) Take 945 of “Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi”. Thakkk (a slamming noise)
Maru Aunty – Director: (really annoyed) ACTION!!!
Me – Bailiff: (I stand up and step forward a little unsteady with all the laughing) Judge-sahiba pradhar rahi hain....
Rungta Aunty - Judge-Sahiba: (Really angry) Please be seated.
Me - Bailiff: Ha-Ha Ha-Ha... (Fall off Laughing)
Maru Aunty - Director: CUT!!!!!

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Oh well, this went on for a while.....

Scene 5 of Soap-y Dreamz:

The Ladies club succeeded in shooting a few scenes for the soap. But because of the inherent nature of women in general, the production was bound to fail. And fail it did. Anyway my friends and I were still hopeful of being paid for our services, as had been promised before we started shooting. And now that the debacle was over we were walking down from the Club House, dreaming of ways to spend the money.

Gulli: Hum Goa chalte hain na, I always wanted to go there.
Me: If we make far fetched plans, it’s bound to fail. Maybe we should think of a place that is closer.
Vinu: Ya. Like a place we can go and come in one day. Otherwise your father won’t agree.
Chaal: Or we’ll need a guardian.
Me: Ya, those are some of the problems.
Gulli: E Rose, tu apne pappa ko convince kara na. Nahi tho hum yeh picnic spot chod ke aur kahi nahi ja sakte.
Me: Ok. You guys make plans, I’ll try to convince them.
Chaal: How much money do you think we’ll get?
Me: No Idea.... (Looking away in the distance) What’s my mom doing in the middle of the ground? I gotta check this out.

We all walk to the center of the ground where Mummy is busy setting some wickets into the ground.

Me: Mummy what are you doing?
Mummy: Isn’t it obvious?
Gulli: Ha Aunty. Lekin wickets kyun?
Mummy: I had a feeling the Hindi Soap was bound to fail. So the 'ladies cricket match' was plan B
All of us: We had that feeling too. :)
Chaal: Aunty do you think we’ll get paid?
Mummy: Of course!! The Ladies club has decided to award each person involved with a silver coin!
Vinu: Silver coin? You mean the same coin you used to give out for the lottery?
Mummy: Yes, the same silver coins. Since people are objecting to the lottery, we decided to get rid of the remaining silver coins this way.
Gulli: There goes the goa plan....
Mummy: What Goa plan? Rose I have told you it is not safe to travel alone so far.... There has to be a guardian who can ensure your safety.... And in a place like Goa it’s so easy to get lost... (You don’t need to hear the rest of that!)

Scene 5 if Soap-y Dreamz:

All of us decided to go to Goa anyway. How did I manage to convince my parents you ask? Well it’s a dream now, isn’t it!!?!

So the scene is the Goa beach at dusk. We are all sitting in a semicircle watching the sunset. The girls are going ‘ooooh’ and ‘aaaah’ looking at the sunset and the guys are going ‘not bad, but when will it end?’

Me: So Chaal how is your girl doing?
Chaal: She’s doing good as always. And she’s not ‘my girl’!!
Karthik: You have a girl Chaal? Since when?!?
Vinu: you don’t read his blog is it? There’s not a single post that doesn’t mention ‘Her’.
Karthik: I’m really busy with my MDI stuff. So who is she?
Gulli: I don’t know. This Vinu and Rose won’t tell me.
Karthik: You guys know, is it? Who is it? Common spill the beans.
Chaal: Not now!! Not here anyway.
Karthik: Why? What’s wrong with here?
Me: The thing is Karthik, he’s too chicken to propose.
Karthik: But what’s the hurry?
Vinu: Turns out someone else already did!!
Gulli: Don’t worry Chaal we’ll fix you up with someone else.
Me: But that’s not the same as ‘Her’ is it?
Chaal: I think we need to stop discussing this!!! (Standing up and looking around) Why on earth doesn’t this dream end....
Karthik: Don’t worry Chaal, if the sun is setting here, it’s rising over there.....

And how true!!! I woke up laughing and also cursing Chaal for not proposing. Maybe it’s time to call again!!

Soap-y Dreamz

Everyone has these really bizarre dreams once in a while and I had mine yesterday. Well, it's not as bizarre as it is silly. But I found it funny, so funny that when I was in the state of waking up, I could hear myself laughing!! Anyway I have decided to commit literary suicide by trying to narrate it. You must keep in mind that I can't describe every lil nuance of the characters. And however funny I thought the dream was, you might not find it half as funny. Also, if you weren't brought up in the colony, you'll have absolutely no idea who the characters are (Sorry Paul). Anyway, here goes.....

Every year the Grasim Ladies Club hosts the Anand Bazaar which is basically a 'Fair', the proceeds from which partly go towards the funding of the club and partly towards the running of a school for poor children. The Anand Bazaar mostly consisted of loads of food stalls - Chole & Bathura, Kachori, Samosa, Sugar Cane Juice, Rasgulla, Jalebi, Gulab Jamun, Ice cream , Masala Dosa, Idlis, Hollige, Cake, Puffs, Omeletes, Cutlets, etc.... You get the idea. It also had some assorted games, like scattering a heap of cups, darts, a small Ferris wheel, etc. But the biggest profits any year came from one stall alone. The profits from this stall were more than 10 times the profits from all the other stalls put together. This was the lottery stall. Tickets were planned and sold more than two months in advance. Most people didn't like the lottery system because it meant for two months they'll be either hounded or goaded into buying tickets. It was especially the uncles that had to suffer the most. Because most men were asked to buy entire books!! Why should they give in you ask? Well, well, well, because they were asked to buy them by their bosses' wives!! But every body always gave in because it was for a good cause.

But this year the men decided to stand up for themselves. They had enough of this day light robbery of their cigarette and alcohol allowances. So a plan was made and Kamalkanth Mandelia uncle was asked to represent their cause, because he usually gave in to most of the women and got stuck with the maximum number of lottery books.

Scene 1 of Soap-y Dreamz:

One very long conference table in the conference room in the factory. All the uncles in their light blue and grey uniforms surround the table. At one end sits Kamalkanth Mandelia uncle and at the other end sits Maru aunty representing the Ladies Club. Beside her sits her husband, Maru uncle-ji, who is the Chief Executive of the division. He's there mostly to have fun, but is afraid to accept it, as he might then have to smile.

Kamalkanth Mandelia Uncle: Maru ji, yeh Lottery system sahi nahin hai. Sari ladies mujhi pe apni books luta deti hain. Yeh Ladies samajhti hain ki main bachelor hoon tho mujhe koi kharcha nahin hai. Yehbhi nahin sochti ki mujhe Alimony aur child support bhi pay karna hai.
Maru Uncle-ji: Sahi hain, sahin hain.... (But goes quiet when he sees his wife glaring at him)
Janaki Raman Uncle: (In a very heavy Tamil , sorry, Saurashtrian accent) Yes, Maru-ji, it is true for us married men also. Our wives get mad if we buy whole books. Also, these ladies or kids set out to sell the lottery tickets in the afternoon when our wives are sleeping. If my wife gets disturbed, then when I go home, there will be extra nagging. It sometimes gets violent.
All uncles in unsion: Yes, Maru-ji, Hamare ghar me bhi yahin haal hain... Yeh Lottery system rokiye.
Maru Aunty: Shaanth hojayi!! Main Grasim Ladies Club ki secretary se baath karke aapko hamaara decsion sunaungi.

Maru Aunty gets up and walks out of the room as the sea of blue and grey uniforms part to let her pass. As the doors close, the men start murmuring.

Scene 2 of Soap-y Dreamz:

Maru Aunty is sitting in the most important chair in the factory – in her husband’s chair in his office. And where is the Chief Ececutive of the Grasilinie and HPF Division you ask? Well he has dislodged the most expendable DGM in the factory. Maru aunty is busy doing what most Indian women do best, adjusting their saris and staring at their reflection. The phone rings, it is Maru Uncle-ji’s secretary, now serving Maru Aunty.

Secretary: Secretary-ji aayi hain. Andar bhejoon?
Maru Aunty: Ji, Zaroor.

The double doors open and in walks Ladies club’s most successful Secretary to date, Mrs. Omana Loney, my mother. ( Whom I shall call mummy in this post :D ) She’s wearing her all white salwar especially stitched and embroidered for her to wear to her badminton finals. She’s also wearing her white sports shoes and is holding in one hand, her Badminton Racquet, in a very Jitendra meets Nirma Super Ad ish-style!!

Mummy: Good Morning Maru-ji!
Maru Aunty: Good Morning Omana. Ek aur problem aa gayi hain.
Mummy: Achha? Tho jaldi solve karte hain Maru-ji, mujhe Badminton Finals khelne jaana hain. Aap aa rahin hain kya dekhne?
Maru Aunty: Usme kya hain, Tum hi tho jeetogi, har saal ki tarah.
Mummy: (Adjusting her dupatta) Haan, woh tho hain...
Maru Aunty: Ab iska kyaan kare? Lottery rok denge tho Anand Bazaar loss me chalega na?
Mummy: Ha who tho hain. Mere paas do ideas hain Maru-ji. Ek, ki hum 'ladies cricket' arrange karte hain. Players aur viwers dono se hi paisa collect karenge.
Maru Aunty: Ladies cricket... Hmmm... Omana yeh idea bahut hi simple aur smart hai. Mujhe nahi lagta ki hamare ladies club committee ko pasand aayega. Doosra idea kya hain?
Mummy: Doosra idea yeh hain ki hum ek 'Hindi Soap' banaye.
Maru Aunty: Ye Hindi Soap kya hain?
Mummy: Yehi, hamara Hindi serial. Isko log aajkal Hindi 'soap' bolte hain. Too much western influence! All because of MTV, Channel [V], Star World. Main hamesha bolti hoon Rose ko, kum Channel [V], zyada Star news. Lekin aaj kal ke bache.... (You don't need to hear the rest of that...)
Maru Aunty: Tho hum ek Hindi serial banaye? Aur kaunse channel pe broadcast hoga?
Mummy: Mene suna he ki Ekta Kapoor ko Ache serials ki talash hain. Woh khud hi apne saas-bahu serials se bore ho chuki hain. Mujhe lagta hai hum agar ek mystrey serial banayenge tho bahut chalega.
Maru Aunty: Hindi Soap banane ke liye paisa hamare paas hain nahi. Lekin agar hum ek lottery rakhe tho uske liye paisa mil jayega. Omana, tu ja apna match jeet ke aa. Kal ek Ladies club meeting rakhenge aur story discuss karenge.
Mummy: Thik he. Actors aur actresses hum hamare colony se hi select karenge. Aaj kal ke bachche waise bhi kitna acting karte hain.... Dood peena ho, tho bhi acting.... Padna ho, tho bhi acting.... (You don't need to hear the rest of that...)
Maru Aunty: Aapne thik kahan. Hamare club ki ladies bhi kuch kam nahin. Director main banoongi. Mere bachpan ka khwaab hain. Maru-ji hamesha hi kehte he, ki mujh me bahut talent hain!
Mummy: Achcha Maru-ji, main chali.

Scene 3 of Soap-y Dreamz:

The word has spread. The whole colony is buzzing with excitement. Everyone is grouped around cement slabs discussing what the story will be. Some have more information than the others. It is going to be a mystery and the title is - (brace yourself) - Kya Judge-Sahiba Sahi Faisala Sunayegi? Why such an odd title you ask? Well, if Ekta Kapoor had to accept the serial then the the title had to start with a 'K'. The lead role of the lady Judge was assigned to Rungta Aunty. Yes, the very same Rungta Aunty with three sons, who used to be my neighbor. :D What's so funny about that you ask? Well, she wasn't very popular for her honesty or unbiased and impartial views...

Anyway, me and my friends had gathered around one such cement slab and were discussing our roles.

Chaal: Oh, they have made me the spot boy. One of those aunties said I don't have the 'viewer appeal' for Hindi Serials. What does that mean?
Vinu: It means that you can't wear a sherwani, grow a beard, tie a pony, wear a tika and become a Hindi Serial villan. Me on the otherhand, I'm playing the villan's brother. Every time the villan is going to be arrested, I'm supposed to say, "Nahi Vikram, main tujhe Jail jaane nahin doonga!! Iska badla main zaroor loonga'
Deepika: Who is the villan?
Me: Ragu!! (Laughing....) Since he has the beard and the long hair, I guess he is halfway there. ;)
Gulli: E Rose, teri Mummy secretary hai na? Tho influence use kar ke Chaal ko koi role dila. Bachara kitna sad hai.
Me: Mere Mummy ka influence itna kaam ka nahin. Mummy ne influence use kiya aur dekho mujhe 'bailiff' ka role mila!! Blah!
Deepika: 'Bay Leaf' !?!? What we use in cooking? Is it because you drink so much sambar in the canteen?
Gulli: I know... (Laughing very hard...) Ragu calls her.... (laughing even harder...) 'Sambar Rani'. Chaal: I don't think that is what it means....
Vinu: Rose, no words longer than 4 letters, please!!
Me: (a lil irritated) Not 'Bay Leaf'!! Bailiff!! The person who announces the judge. I have only one dialogue in the whole serial, that I'm supposed to repeat often, "Judge-sahiba pr... pragd.. pragdanri hai!!"
Gulli: (falls off the cement slab laughing... The rest of them were uneffected, which only shows that their hindi is as bad as mine) Pragdanri hai NAHI!!! Judge-sahiba pradhar rahi hai!!
(*** I don't know if 'pradhar rahi hai' is the right phrase. But that's what it sounded like in the dream!! ***)
Me: Ha wohi!!
Gulii: Kya ha wohi? Repeat kar na... Pr...prag... (laughing again)
Chaal: Gulli, what's your role?
Gulli: Me and Deepika are the make-up artists. I'm supposed to do the make-up for Rungta Aunty and Deepika is supposed to do the make-up for Shaifali! I don't know how I'm going to make Rungta aunty look partly human, leave alone a fair judge!!
Vinu: Shaifali?!? What's her role?
Deepika: She's the vamp. She's supposed to be Ragu's love interest! :D
Me: lets go see Ragu. I hear they are making him practice how to put the tika exactly like Ekta Kapoor.

( To Be Continued...)

Jet Lagged!!

There is this term ‘jet lag’, and then there is the term ‘out stone cold’. Paul was jet lagged and I was, well, out stone cold, for most of it any way. There was this last leg of the journey from Minneapolis to Oregon where I fell asleep even before the flight took off and woke up only when everyone was unbuckling after landing!! Some where in between I vaguely recall being asked if I wanted a drink, but then that’s all!! The rest of the journey was a total blank!

As we stepped into our apartment, I stood in the center of our living-room/hallway/dining-room and took a deep breath, “Oooh... Smells like Jasmine!!” That’s when Paul walked in with our last suitcase and said, “It’s good to be back Home!!”

In my head: Ding-Ding-Ding. Our 5348659502340761th time Marital Argument Champion, Rose throws a defiant punch at our 5348659502340761th time Marital Argument Defendant, Paul. Whamm!! As he takes a step back in shock, Rose finishes him off with an upper cut and Paul has fallen, again, for the 5348659502340762nd time!! Ding-Ding-Ding!! Ladies and gentleman I present to you the Marital Argument Champion for the 5348659502340762nd time - Rose. Then I lift up my championship belt studded with diamonds, look into one of the cameras and yell, “Aaaargh... Home!? This is not Home.... Home is in India!! Aaargh....”

In reality: I look at Paul and ask simply, “Really? Not for me. For me home is always India.” Paul didn't say anything to that, so by default I won this argument too. (too easy :)

Anyway, the next few days we were sleeping in the evenings and waking at midnight. During one such night, we watched the movie Om Shanti Om. And I should say the story line is ridiculous. In Sharuk’s imitation of Rajnikant, it was ‘Rascala, I say!! Rascala’!! That said, the movie was absolutely amazing!!! I totally loved it (except the part where Deepika Padukone was playing the ‘real’ ghost. That was plain nasty)!! Turning such a ridiculous story line into a great movie is definitely praise worthy, even from a Bollywood skeptic like me. I really like all the overacting and hamming. It was too funny!! And like everyone else I really liked the song with the 32 stars. I wish they had omitted Tushar Kapoor though!! He’s such an ape!!

Finally, after a week, I’m feeling homesick :( I guess jet lag is God’s way of making you physically adjust to the time difference and emotionally adjust to missing home. Now that I’m well set in the times, I miss Mummy’s cooking and Pappa's criticism of it, Pappa’s specifications for pazham puzhangiad (Steamed Bananas), going to church with both of them, going shopping with Mummy and all the love!! I even miss the excessive sweating a lil bit. Just a teensy-weensy bit. Sigh.... home, is definitely India.

Yesterday I walked into Target, and you know what?? I felt right at home!! Well, I guess from now on, Home, is Target. ;)

Have a nice day people and go home as often as you can!!

India Time!

It's almost a trend in India - girls get married and then go to the US or in some rare cases UK. It was a trend I didn't like, until I got married and it happened to me! After which I hated the trend!! I wanted to run back home, hug my parents and never come back here. Paul’s afraid I’ll refuse to get back on the plane, so he’s packed a few chains as well. :) But with time I have come to terms with it. I think....

Tomorrow I fly to India, for a 2 week vacation! This is the first time I’ll be going home after my marriage, so it’s a big deal!! When I say ‘Big Deal’, I don’t mean lotsa parties and hoopla. I mean I’m ‘Big’, gained weight you see!! Everybody has some annoying relatives, who take it as their personal business to dwell on your shortcomings, and so do I. But once you get married, the number usually triples (No, not doubles, but triples). I have decided to count the number of people who point out to me that I have gained weight. And I have also decided to keep a few smart retorts handy:

• You really think I have gained weight? I never noticed! I just bought a whole bunch of clothes in a larger size, because it’s in fashion!!
• Yes, I have gained weight. And your point is?
• For those who are obviously fat themselves: So what did you have for breakfast, a whole cow?
  

Phew.... That was therapeutic!!! Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’ll be gone for 2 weeks and most probably won’t be blogging while I’m in India. (I know you don’t care!!)

BBye!

Jury Duty

What is it that excites a woman but bores a man? The list is endless:

• A 50% off sale at Macy's!!
• A 0 Calorie chocolate!
• Peanut butter that is as good for you as is oat meal.
• A weight loss pill that has absolutely no side effects and actually works!
• Anything Pink!
• Laundry that never gets dirty!
• A car that drives itself (Sigh... Relief!)
• A long long bath...
• Etc...
• Etc...
• Etc...
• Jury Duty!!

Surprised? But it's true!! Most women I know, would love to be called for Jury Duty. What is the appeal of Jury Duty you ask? Apart from getting the day off work, what appeals most to women is that they can freely pass judgment on others and gossip about it for as long as they want. Of course, whether or not the defendant is guilty is secondary!

A while ago my Mom-in-law got called for Jury Duty and she made it almost all the way! It was the final stage of jury selection, where they ask each potential juror a set of questions pertaining to the case, so that they can gauge whether or not the juror will be prejudicial. So, Mom was waiting with the other potential jurors for the lawyer to start talking. In the mean time she was just looking around and noticed two young men dressed in suits and looking very smart, talking to the lawyer. She assumed them to be either paralegals or lawyers assisting the main lawyer. But imagine her surprise, when the lawyer introduces them to the court as the defendants in a bar fight!!

Mom: (Really?!? These two good looking, well dressed boys were in a bar fight?)

The Lawyer: Ma'am, do you have sons of your own?

Mom: Yes, (thinking of Paul) I have a son!

The Lawyer: Ma'am, can you imagine your son in such a situation? In a bar fight?

Mom: No, I can never imagine my son, in a bar fight. (Now, my Daughter-in-law, maybe.... ;)

The Lawyer: Thank you Ma'am. Your services will no longer be needed.

Mom: (What!!! Just because my son is not brawly I don't get to punish someone else's children!! I have got to find an aggressive and dominating daughter-in-law to compensate for my Paul's meekness!!)

And her prayers were answered... :P

Anyway, you might be wondering, why I started talking about Jury Duty? No, not because of Mom's experience, this happened long before I met Paul. But because Paul got a call, that too for Federal Jury duty!! (My reaction: Ooooooo..... Paul's reaction: Blech!!)

Paul got a letter a few months back, requesting his information. We duly filled it and sent it back. Paul was hoping something in the information would disqualify him, but unfortunately for him, he got the call. It was supposed to be yesterday, but unfortunately for me, all the cases got cancelled!! So Paul never had to go for Jury Duty.

(My reaction: Oh no! :( Paul's reaction: Yipppeeee!!)

But wait, he has to go on August 15th!!

(My reaction: Yea!!! Paul's reaction: Blech!! :)

Hope all of ya have a lawful day!

'Small' Talk

My niece Rachel is now 2 years and 9 months and she says the cutest things. She’s like a mini human being, living her life. She has her problems, and her choices in clothes, her likes and dislikes, her hobbies, and even her own check-in luggage!! Rachel is a typical girl - eats sparingly, likes to dress up, loves to be photographed, enjoys shopping and has a fetish for high heeled shoes!!! I spent quiet some time talking to my sister the other day and we were going over her cute statements. So I thought I should document them lest I forget.

Rachel’s best friend’s name is Aditi (Ya, she has a best friend!! They are the same age. I told ya, mini human being :). So one day Rachel was missing Aditi and she wanted to talk to her. She forced her mom to phone Aditi’s mom. And they had a conversation:

Aditi: Hello

Rachel: Hello

Aditi: Rachel How is Jacob? (Aditi totally loves Rachel’s younger brother Jacob, 9 months)

Rachel: Oh, Jacob is saying Blah Blah Bli Bli. (He was just learning to talk, and that’s all he said :D )

One morning, while I was visiting my sister, I woke up to a wailing and crying Rachel. She was standing outside the kitchen and crying, tears streaming down her cheeks, while my sister, totally unperturbed, was making breakfast.

Me: What is it Rachel? Do you want Rose Mai to give you a big huggy?

Rachel: (Even more loudly) Waaaaa.....

Me: (really sad... can't take it when Rachel cries) Diya, why is she crying?

Diya: Oh, she doesn't like to wear the pink shirt with the frock. She doesn't think it looks good. Leave her alone for a minute. She'll be OK.

Me: (I don't think it looks good either!! At least she has good taste!!) Do you want a red pencil? your book? a Ummah?

Rachel: (Ear splitting) Waaaaa....

Diya: Nothing works... Leave her alone.

Me: (Give Diya a 'what kind of a mother are you' look and go sit on the sofa)

After a minute or so, Just as Diya predicted, Rachel stopped crying. Diya offered her an FT (French Toast) and they hugged happily. Seeing this I jumped in for a group hug, but got a 'why are you interrupting my mommy time' look from Rachel. :( Sigh... I guess mommy knows best....

It was Thanksgiving time and Diya, David and kids had been with us. During that time, Rachel got pretty close to us as well as Paul’s parents. One day after they had gone back to Denver, Rachel had an argument with Diya and she was very mad. The conversation that followed is one of my favorites:

Rachel: I don’t like you. I’m going away.

Diya: (Laughing) Where are you going to go?

Rachel: Give me my check-in luggage. I’m going to go to Rose Mai and Paul Uncle’s house (Yipppeeee :D )

Diya: OK, you go. Who’s stopping you?

Rachel: I’m going, give me my check-in luggage. (According to her all luggage is check-in luggage and she thinks you can’t get on a plane without the check-in luggage)

Diya: (Laughing even harder) But Paul Uncle and Rose Mai have gone to the office.

Rachel: OK, then I’ll go to Kuriappan Uncle’s house. (:D That’s Paul’s Dad!! There’s no fooling kids!!) Give me my check-in luggage!!

For some odd reason, my sister’s kids like big words. The bigger they are, the more syllables they have, the more they like them. My nephew Jacob's first word was Da-Da, second word was Ma-Ma and the third word was - 'Tylenol'!! (I guess their advertising is working!) My niece Rachel learnt the alphabet and she does the letter-to-word association, like ‘A’ for apple, and so on. Some of them are interesting.

'D' for Dinosaur. (Not Dog, Not Door, Dinosaur. Bigger the word...)

'H' for Hippopotamus. (More than half the people here don’t know how to spell this!! :D)

'R' for Rhinoceros. (Why not R for Rose Mai? I suppose she thought, if they both weigh the same.... :)

But my most favorite statement off all is this one: She was having a bath when she turns around and tells her mother, "I like Rose Mai!" :D (What? You were expecting something more??!? The kid spontaneously declared her affection for me!! That's a big deal people!!)