It's been ages since I wrote a blog!! Over a year and a half. You would think I would have a lot to say. But I feel rather melancholy, lost even. Scenes from my past flash before me. They aren't happy scenes or sad scenes. Oddly, they are all scenes of me waiting... I seem to be waiting for the same thing each time.... Waiting for the future!! Sounds odd, doesn't it?
I'm 18 and taking a break from cramming botanical names for my 12th grade Biology finals. I stand behind the curtain and watch my mother take a nap. It’s been a habit of mine since I was 2 years old. I stand there, willing her to open her eyes and see me. And she does. My eyes well up with tears and I go hug her. "What is it Rose? Are you tensed about the exam? Shall we pray? You'll feel better then" We kneel and pray, but halfway she gets up to answer a call. I look up and see the benevolent face of Jesus smiling back at me and I pray, let these exams go by, in the future my college exams will be better.
I'm 22 and it’s the night before my Final Year Engineering exam. I stand behind the curtain and watch my mother lying in bed, reading a magazine. She looks up at me and smiles a knowing smile, she knows what's coming. "Will you sleep in my room Mummy? I'm a little scared to sit alone and study". We both go to my room and say a prayer before she goes to bed. I look up at the cross above my bed and pray, let these exams go by, in the future when I start my job, life will be a lot less stressful.
I'm sitting on my bed and staring at the 2 empty beds before me. My roommates are both on their night shift. Due to my fear of sleeping alone, I turn on all the lights and the television and get under the blanket. How strange my life has been, I think. A lifetime of education later, I end up working morning to evening and come home to an empty room. All the important things like being with family and friends have been shoved off to the weekends along with all the other errands. I close my eyes and sigh. Maybe when I get married and start working it will be different. At least I’ll have someone to come home to...
I’m sitting on the couch in front of our red accent wall staring at the cross of Jesus hanging over the fireplace. It’s been three months since I got married. My family went back, my honeymoon’s over, my Green Card application is all filed, the house is all set and everything looks good. As I look at Jesus’ face on the wooden cross, my thoughts echo back through him - “What are you waiting for?” “For my Green Card, so I can start working again. Once I start working my life will be on track, finally!” I say.
I open my eyes and instinctively stifle a yawn. I look around the server lab at Intel, where I work; making sure no one caught me getting 40 winks. I look at the time at the bottom of my computer screen and think, “It’s Friday and I can’t wait for the weekend”. It suddenly occurs to me that I have been waiting an awful lot, all through my life!! “That’s not true”, says the ‘waiter’ in me, “give me an example”. I start thinking... I’m 18 and taking a break from cramming botanical names for my 12th grade....
You know the rest!!!
We all wait for the next thing in our lives to happen, hoping that the next destination will be more perfect than the present. We don’t realize two things. One, that perfect is absolute, it can never be ‘more’ perfect. And second, each destination in our lives eventually becomes a pit stop to a final destination. It is pointless to wait for anything, because when one wait is over, another
will begin.
will begin.
I have decided to stop waiting. I have decided my final destination – retiring after 25-30 years and going back to India and living close to my parents. Maybe adopt a kid or two. Of course I have planned a few pit stops – having kids, getting my post graduation, enter the workforce again, put the kids through college, get them married to Indians, etc. But of course, I’m not ‘waiting’ for anything... I’m just ‘planning’.... What??! It’s human nature to plan. No, it’s not a substitute for waiting!! Of course there’s credibility to what I’m saying!!
Hey! Don’t give me that look.
That’s it then!
